Wenger and Corbyn in unlikely alliance

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After Theresa May’s shock decision to call a snap election in early June we look at how both Arsène Wenger and Jeremy Corbyn are experiencing a very similar crisis.

We at somoneonthepost.com can exclusively reveal that both Arsène Wenger and Jeremy Corbyn are confiding in each other. 

Both men are under increasing pressure to resign and it seems that the two embattled leaders have found solace in each other’s struggles.

While Wenger and Corbyn’s alliance may seem surprising at first glance, closer inspection reveals that both men do actually have a great deal in common.

Wenger’s position at Arsenal is looking to be increasingly untenable. With fans voicing their discontent and players seeming to disobey tactics, it looks like the man affectionately known as ‘Le Professeur’, may be about to end his 21 year reign.

Corbyn’s position looks as bleak, if not bleaker. After becoming Labour leader in September 2015, the MP for Islington North has presided over Labour’s worst run of results since the 1950’s.

Wenger and Corbyn, both 67, retain the support of important allies within their respective organisations. The Arsenal owner, Stan Kroenke, continues to support the veteran Frenchmen, while Corbyn has found support from the vast number of trade unions who refuse to put pressure on the hippy allotment owner to resign.

However, not everything is rosy within the Corbyn camp. There have been reports that resenting Labour MP’s have organised a plane to be flown over Westminster with a ‘Corbyn Out’ banner attached. We understand that Wenger has provided his friend with advice on how to how to deal with this clearly unpleasant experience.

“I have a lot of admiration for Jeremy” declared Wenger. “He seems like a clever man, and he is brilliantly stubborn. I really do see a lot of similarities between the two of us.

“Yes, it’s true that I have advised him on how to deal with dissenting fans, but I know that he has the strength to deal with it. After all, he dated Diane Abbott for a number of years, so after coming out of that largely unscathed, I am sure he will be able to deal with a few vigilante backbenchers.”

Corbyn was similarly generous in his praise for the Arsenal manager. “What Arsène has done is truly remarkable. He’s managed to hold on to his job through a succession of underwhelming campaigns. If I can do my job half as well as him I will still be Labour leader come the 2037 general election!”

Corbyn has apparently taken strength from Arsenal’s run of consecutive fourth placed finishes. Between 2006 and 2014 The Gunners finished fourth a remarkable six times.

“I remember Arsène once saying that fourth place was like a trophy. I am trying to relay this message to my shadow cabinet. If we finish in fourth place in the coming general election then we will have a chance of participating in Europe’s premier political debates next season. We will of course have to negotiate a tricky qualifying round in Brussels!”

Corbyn’s optimism is admirable yet sadly very much misplaced. With Britain all but certain to leave the EU in the coming years it would seem that he is unlikely to ever get the opportunity to lead his side in Europe.

Wenger on the other hand still has an outside chance of claiming a place in one of Europe’s top competitions next season.

“We haven’t given up on fourth place just yet. If we qualify then I can assure the fans that we will be doing our level best to scrape through the group stages before being eliminated 12-1 on aggregate in the round of 16!”

Referees are not actually people

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Study reveals referees are a completely different species.

A recent study into the physiological and psychological state of elite referees has revealed that they are not actually homo sapiens.

The study, conducted by the University of Research, had been due to finish last season, but due to unexpected delays, and the emergence of a new specimen in the shape of Keith Shrowd, it has only been completed this week.

Among the findings revealed in the 352-page report is the astonishing revelation that referees are actually immune to normal human emotions such as guilt and compassion. While the report is actually too boring to read in its entirety, someoneonthepost.com can exclusively reveal that some referees do actually have eyes in the back of their head.

Conor Cassidy, chief professor at the University of Research explained – “A lot of the referees that took part in this study wished to remain anonymous. They were as keen as us to find out as to why they were so despised by a significant proportion of this largely civilised society we live in. We are unable to give answers to all the questions, but we were particularly interested in finding out why some referees seem not to get affected by 40,000 people shouting ‘You’re a w*nker’ at them.”

Jonathan Moss from Sunderland, one of the few referees who did not mind us revealing his identity, told us while actual human beings may go to a variety of religious books for guidance in life, he and his colleagues actually choose to consult The Laws of the Game, a book published by FIFA, a cult with suspicious financial dealings. This book acts as a moral compass for referees and enables them to get through menial daily tasks.

Moss explained to us that the book even offered advice on the colour of tape used to ensure socks do not fall down below your shins. “Before reading The Laws of the Game, I used to erroneously pair bright yellow socks with black tape. According to the book, not only is it a fashion faux pas, but it is also illegal!”

Mark C, a referee who did not want us to reveal his identity, told us what it was like to be marginalised by society. “I get some sort of macabre satisfaction from people shouting abuse at me. Others drink, others take drugs – some do both. But I like to stand in the middle of a field and have people call me names and tell me I need to go to Specsavers. The only time when I wish I wasn’t a referee is when I go to my local newsagents. Quite often I am greeted by the local youths who inform me that their step-dads are going to ‘Kill me!’ or something equally awful.”

Mark C’s story is a common one. The study shows that most referees seem to get some sort of sadistic enjoyment out of ruining thousands of people’s weekends. “I once gave a penalty because I was bored.” This frank admission came from Mike D. “Yeah, I was standing there watching this dour 0-0 draw and thought ‘F*ck it! I am going to give a penalty.’ I am not sure if it was in the box, but it definitely wasn’t a foul. Who really cares?”

With more details surrounding the study expected to be released in the coming weeks, Conor Cassidy anticipates that referees will continue to suffer. “Referees are much like parking attendants; nobody likes them, everyone wishes they didn’t exist, but unfortunately we need them.”

Hibernation season for Arsenal fans

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A series of false dawns has led to a delay in the annual hibernation of Arsenal fans.

Arsenal fans have begun their annual hibernation. This year it was delayed by three months due to a run of surprising and rather impressive results. Usually November signals the start of what Arsenal fans unhappily refer to as the ‘period of realisation’ as their team begins an alarming descent towards failure and crushing disappointment.

This year the natural phenomenon began in early February as two poor defeats confirmed the end of any realistic title challenge. Arsenal fan Craig Williams from Barking said, “We’ve come to expect this. Usually we ‘enjoy’ a torturous run-up to Christmas before somehow scraping together a succession of good results. This year we were really at risk of being able to enjoy our season, however, sadly normality has been restored.”

Williams, an Arsenal fan for over 50 years, seemed nonchalant when recalling happier times. “I have forgotten what it’s like to smile. Sometimes I have to force myself to do it. Supporting Arsenal is a bit like waiting for the new Tarantino film. You know that it’s going to cost a lot, and it’s still always going to be grim viewing.”

Many other Arsenal fans have been caught out by this years events. In previous years fans have foreseen the dark times approaching. This usually leads to them harvesting memories from yesteryear, and recalling the events of the Invincibles season. “My friend Chris actually forgot to harvest any good memories this year” explained Williams with a sense of sadness and regret. “He thought this year may be different and so didn’t feel the need to lean back on our past successes. I’ve not spoken to him in a couple of days, but since the Watford result I know that he’s been struggling.”

A member of the Arsenal Habitat Society (AHS) since 2007, Williams has lost many close friends during hibernation season. “Losing your mates at any time is hard – but particularly under these circumstances. You try not to think about it too much but sometimes you just can’t help it!”

Kirsty Barry, the head of AHS, revealed the ways that she and fellow members try and ensure the safety of Arsenal fans during this difficult period. “We provide support networks to help them deal with their problems. We hold weekly crisis meetings where we show games from better times, like the 5-4 win at White Hart Lane back in 2004.” Yet despite these measures being put in place it would seem this year has seen an even greater number of Arsenal fans enter hibernation.

Barry added, “We don’t like to admit it but we’re overwhelmed. It gets worse year on year. We have to try and explain to people that there is still the Champions League to look forward to, but such is the level of despair, and the fact that we’re facing Bayern Munich, most fans can’t even get excited for that!”

Any prospect of Arsenal fans waking from their slumber before the end of May remains unlikely. With attendances expected to dwindle and no real prospect of achieving anything significant this season, Williams and other fans like himself have predicted that they will not be seen until early July.

“I reckon I’ll wake up in time for the transfer window. Although I don’t expect us to sign a strong and commanding central midfielder, I always live in hope.”

If you have been, or know of someone who could be, affected by the issues raised in this story then contact the Arsenal Habitat Society anonymously on 0200204444. 

A Conversation That Never Took Place: Pep Guardiola

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I like to imagine that at some point shortly after his appointment at Manchester City Pep Guardiola was shown a map of the UK and some of the lesser-known Premier League homes were pointed out…

A clued-up Manchester City assistant decides to start by introducing Staffordshire and Stoke City; a location Guardiola would be paying a visit to at the end of August.

‘Forget what you have heard about Stoke, Pep. They are a different club these days. We will have too much class for them’.

The entirely fictitious conversation moves south to Wales and Swansea City.

‘Swansea poses little threat to us, Pep. We shall easily defeat them and their manager will be sacked. We will force them into hiring a peculiar American replacement.’

Guardiola is pleased with what he is hearing. ‘Where next?’ he smiles.

‘To North London’ his assistant explains. ‘But not to Arsenal. It is Tottenham we should fear this season. It is here we will lose our 100% record, Pep. They will not fear the way we play’.

‘We’ll see’ Guardiola grunts.

Moving a short distance down the map the pair reach Selhurst Park.

‘Our squad will be low on confidence here, Pep. It may be a good idea to recall Yaya’

Guardiola laughs. ‘We won’t be needing him this year. Where else are we visiting?’

‘Burnley’ the would-be assistant reveals. ‘Not too far from our home ground’.

‘Who?’ spurts the new City manager. ‘I haven’t heard of any of these players. We will win easily, for sure. And if they put up a fight we can always blame the ref. Tell me, when do we visit the Premier League Champions?’

The assistant steadies himself. ‘Leicester will pose a counter-attacking threat, Pep…’

‘Nonsense! We will restore order to this division. I may not even start two recognised centre-halves. John can do a perfectly good job by himself. Besides, we have Claudio in goal should they manage a shot on target’

The assistant struggles to stop himself from laughing.

‘Sorry Pep, maybe you’re right. We will also visit Anfield before New Year. I expect Jurgen will have improved his side this year…’

‘No, no. Don’t be silly – have you seen their defence? We shall out-score them. We have Sergio. They have Dejan Lovren. What about their neighbours?’

The assistant takes a deep breath.

‘It’s at Everton where every fault you’ve ignored, dismissed or forgotten about over the first five months of the season will come together in one 90-minute period. We’ll have all of the ball and do nothing with it. We won’t deal with their direct approach and our defenders will be pressured into serious mistakes. Our team will lack focus and we won’t be able to ignore our unbalanced squad any longer. A debuting teenager will come on as a substitute and nutmeg Claudio Bravo. It will be one of the worst results in your managerial career’

Guardiola had left the room.

‘What do you think of this roll neck?’