*DISCLAIMER – This is not a real story.*
A series of false dawns has led to a delay in the annual hibernation of Arsenal fans.
Arsenal fans have begun their annual hibernation. This year it was delayed by three months due to a run of surprising and rather impressive results. Usually November signals the start of what Arsenal fans unhappily refer to as the ‘period of realisation’ as their team begins an alarming descent towards failure and crushing disappointment.
This year the natural phenomenon began in early February as two poor defeats confirmed the end of any realistic title challenge. Arsenal fan Craig Williams from Barking said, “We’ve come to expect this. Usually we ‘enjoy’ a torturous run-up to Christmas before somehow scraping together a succession of good results. This year we were really at risk of being able to enjoy our season, however, sadly normality has been restored.”
Williams, an Arsenal fan for over 50 years, seemed nonchalant when recalling happier times. “I have forgotten what it’s like to smile. Sometimes I have to force myself to do it. Supporting Arsenal is a bit like waiting for the new Tarantino film. You know that it’s going to cost a lot, and it’s still always going to be grim viewing.”
Many other Arsenal fans have been caught out by this years events. In previous years fans have foreseen the dark times approaching. This usually leads to them harvesting memories from yesteryear, and recalling the events of the Invincibles season. “My friend Chris actually forgot to harvest any good memories this year” explained Williams with a sense of sadness and regret. “He thought this year may be different and so didn’t feel the need to lean back on our past successes. I’ve not spoken to him in a couple of days, but since the Watford result I know that he’s been struggling.”
A member of the Arsenal Habitat Society (AHS) since 2007, Williams has lost many close friends during hibernation season. “Losing your mates at any time is hard – but particularly under these circumstances. You try not to think about it too much but sometimes you just can’t help it!”
Kirsty Barry, the head of AHS, revealed the ways that she and fellow members try and ensure the safety of Arsenal fans during this difficult period. “We provide support networks to help them deal with their problems. We hold weekly crisis meetings where we show games from better times, like the 5-4 win at White Hart Lane back in 2004.” Yet despite these measures being put in place it would seem this year has seen an even greater number of Arsenal fans enter hibernation.
Barry added, “We don’t like to admit it but we’re overwhelmed. It gets worse year on year. We have to try and explain to people that there is still the Champions League to look forward to, but such is the level of despair, and the fact that we’re facing Bayern Munich, most fans can’t even get excited for that!”
Any prospect of Arsenal fans waking from their slumber before the end of May remains unlikely. With attendances expected to dwindle and no real prospect of achieving anything significant this season, Williams and other fans like himself have predicted that they will not be seen until early July.
“I reckon I’ll wake up in time for the transfer window. Although I don’t expect us to sign a strong and commanding central midfielder, I always live in hope.”
If you have been, or know of someone who could be, affected by the issues raised in this story then contact the Arsenal Habitat Society anonymously on 0200204444.