The Premier League’s European Resurgence

by sddsimmons, posted in Simmo Says

Tonight’s game between England’s two most exhilarating attacking teams offers the opportunity for one to move a step closer to the semi-final. Manchester City and Liverpool have lit up Europe’s premier football competition over the last six months, but now they must face each other in the biggest game of their respective seasons. Simmo looks at how English teams have enjoyed a European renaissance in this seasons Champions League. 

English success in the Champions League has not been too common in recent years. In fact, the last time a Premier League team reached the final was all the way back in 2012. That year it was Chelsea and although they did bring the trophy home, their win merely papered over the cracks of a disastrous domestic season in which they finished in sixth place.

English success in the last five seasons of the Champions League (2013–17) has been so infrequent that only Chelsea and Manchester City have reached the semi-final stages, in 2014 and 2016 respectively. Neither ever looked likely to move beyond that stage and their forays in Europe weren’t backed up by significant domestic success either. 

Compare that to the previous five seasons, (2008–12) when five English teams reached finals and two came home with the trophy; Manchester United in 2008 in an all-English classic, and of course Chelsea’s win in 2012. During that same period no fewer than eight English teams reached the semi-finals, including three in both 2008 and 2009.

After years of impasse, we are suddenly seeing English teams thrive on the European stage. But why after half a decade of mediocrity in Europe, are we now seeing a renaissance?

A big factor is the amount of money English are spending. It is well documented that the Premier League is the richest league in the world, but other major clubs also have deep pockets. This season though has seen spending records smashed with almost £1.5 billion spent by the 20 Premier League clubs. All five of the English participants in this seasons Champions League were among the 20 highest spenders in Europe. City spent more than any other club (£220 million) while Chelsea found themselves in fourth place with a spend of over £150 million.

However, spending money is not the only reason Premier League teams are doing well. At the helm of England’s biggest clubs is arguably some of the very best managers in Europe. Guardiola, Klopp, Pochettino, Conte and Mourinho all led their teams into Europe’s most prestigious competition this season.

While some may debate whether Mourinho can still be classified among the elite, there can be little doubt that Guardiola, Klopp and Pochettino have improved their teams’ European performances.

Last season Liverpool did not even qualify, Tottenham finished third in their group, while City got knocked out in the round of 16. Only Leicester progressed to the quarter-finals.

In this season’s competition, Liverpool are the highest scorers with 28 goals from their eight games and Manchester City have kept the ball more than any other team with an average of 63% possession per game. They are also the only team to have completed over 6,000 passes in the competition.

Tottenham also enjoyed brilliant success in the group stages; winning both home and away against Borussia Dortmund as well as drawing with Real Madrid, last season’s winners, at the Bernabéu before comfortably beating them at home. Prior to their unfortunate exit at the hands of Juventus (runners-up the previous season) in the round of 16, they had won more points than any other team in the group stages.

The Premier League is unquestionably the most competitive league in the world. No other league can boast the depth of competition that it offers. However, in recent years, while the Premier League competition has continued to make compelling viewing, no team has been able to convert domestic trophies into major European success.

Now things seem different. Manchester City are the Champions League favourites; England is guaranteed at least one semi-final place as City have been drawn against Liverpool. Given the choice, both teams would almost certainly have preferred to avoid each other at this stage of the competition.

The results this season seem to suggest that the competition in the Premier League is aiding European performances. Collectively, English teams have performed considerably better. The acid test will be if English teams can maintain consistent performances in Europe over the next three or four years.

Nevertheless, there can be little doubt that English clubs are on the rise again, and the rest of Europe will be concerned.  

Five-a-side TOTW: May 22nd 2017

by sddsimmons, posted in Five-a-side TOTW

Picking an eleven is hard; picking just five is even harder.

The final day of the Premier League season is always an odd occasion. Whether it be weakened teams, barmy goal fests, emotional farewells or even suspicious devices, there is always something intriguing that occurs, and the last day of this season was certainly no different. Realistically there was only one issue that needed to be resolved; the Champions League places. With only champions Chelsea, and runners up Tottenham assured of qualification to Europe’s premier football competition, there were still two places up for grabs, with Manchester City, Liverpool and Arsenal vying for those final two spots. City and Liverpool knew that wins against Watford and Middlesbrough respectively would guarantee their places at the high table, while Arsenal knew they had to win at home to Everton and hope that their rivals would slip up.

 

Goalkeeper – Castro Pereira

Who? Yes that’s right. Manchester United’s Swiss born Portuguese goalkeeper was making only his second United appearance and his first in the Premier League. He was facing a Crystal Palace side that had flirted with relegation throughout much of the season but had recently enjoyed something of resurgence. The twenty-year-old looked confident and assured throughout United’s comfortable 2-0 victory. Standing at over 1.90 metres he certainly looks like he has the physical attributes to become a top class Premier League stopper. His United future will largely depend on where David De Gea ends up plying his trade next season, however he will have done himself no harm with this impressive display.

The Stopper – Vincent Kompany

There can be no doubt at all that Manchester City are a different team when their captain is fit. Had he been fit for the whole season we may well have seen Pep Guardiola’s team mounting a more serious title challenge. The Citizens captain only featured 11 times in the league this season yet still managed to aid his sides cause with three goals. Going into the final round of fixtures City knew that a win would guarantee them third place and as a result automatic qualification to the Champions League group stages. Nevertheless, they faced what could have been a sticky fixture away at Watford who had just confirmed that the game would be Walter Mazzari’s last in charge. Kompany led the City charge and calmed what may have been any jangling nerves with a smart header within five minutes of the kick off. It set the tone for an easy afternoon for the two-time Premier League champions, who ran out 5-0 winners in the end.

The Middleman – Georginio Wijnaldum 

My word does this guy score important goals. Already a scorer of vital goals against Manchester City, Chelsea and Arsenal, the ex-Feyenord and Newcastle man can now add Middlesbrough to his already impressive repertoire! While the opponents might not be as illustrious, the goal itself was absolutely crucial. Liverpool knew that only a win would guarantee qualification for the Champions League and prior to Wijnaldum’s intervention Liverpool had been struggling. They were extremely fortunate not to have found themselves a man down after Dejan Lovren inexplicably pulled Patrick Bamford down when through on goal. With half time approaching, Wijnaldum grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck and produced a fierce strike to give the Red Men a lead that they would never surrender. Further further goals from Philippe Coutinho and Adam Lallana sealed an easy 3-0 win.

The Free Role – Josh Harrop 

Again, you may ask “who?” Well this young man had a Manchester United debut to remember as he opened the scoring in United’s 2-0 win at Old Trafford. The Stockport born winger looked lively on his professional debut and capped off an impressive display with a brilliant individual goal. Receiving the ball on the left hand side, the 21 year old cut inside, jinked his way around several Palace defenders before blasting the ball beyond a hapless Wayne Hennessey. United fans love nothing more than a homegrown player and it will be really interesting to see whether Harrop is able to kick on next season.

The Finisher – Harry Kane

Realistically, who else was going to get the nod here? Kane is simply the best striker in the Premier League and one of the best, if not the best, in the world. In a season disrupted by injury, the Tottenham No.10 has still managed a staggering 29 goals in 30 Premier League appearances. His four goals against a desperately poor Leicester side in midweek were followed up by an equally impressive hat-trick against already relegated Hull City. Remarkably, there are still those who seem to be waiting, even hoping, for the wheels to fall off. On this evidence they will be waiting an awfully long time.

Five-a-side TOTW: May 16th 2017

by MikeFranchetti, posted in Five-a-side TOTW

Picking an eleven is hard; picking just five is even harder.

The top and bottom of the Premier League has been decided! Michy Batshuayi ended the title race with his second Premier League goal of the season. At the other end of the table Hull City fell apart against Crystal Palace giving their fans a very disappointing end to a spirited survival fight. A huge win for Liverpool away to West Ham means they are now just one home victory away from a return to Champions League football. Here’s our penultimate five-a-side team of the week. We finally got Sanchez and Coutinho on the same pitch…

Goalkeeper – Lukasz Fabianski

Despite a slump during March and early April, Swansea would be comfortably in the top ten based on their results under Paul Clement. He eventually found a way to remedy their woeful defensive record and Fabianski has upped his game in recent weeks. As dreadful as Sunderland are, they were still able to test the Pole last weekend only to find he had all the answers. Swansea have confirmed their place in the Premier League for another year and Fabianski should keep his job as their number one.

The Anchor – Cesar Azpilicueta

Roll up, roll up, pick your favourite Chelsea defender. Azpilicueta has been very effective this season and a revelation at centre back. He is comfortable on the ball and wonderfully versatile. His key contribution against West Brom on Friday came in the final third when he got round the back to steer a ball into the waiting Batshuayi; a worthy TOTW call-up for one of the league’s best defenders.

The Playmaker – Philippe Coutinho

Liverpool have won ten of the twelve games where Philippe Coutinho has scored or assisted a goal. Simply put, when the Brazilian performs Liverpool usually win. They ran away with it on Sunday dispatching West Ham 4-0 at the Olympic Stadium – a result which will have a huge impact on their pursuit of the top four. The Reds have struggled away to West Ham recently and would have been glad to see the back of the Boelyn Ground. The little Brazilian seemed to benefit from the presence of a recalled Daniel Sturridge and you wonder where Liverpool would be if the two had played together on more occasions this season. If only, if only…

The Talisman – Alexis Sanchez

You can also wonder where Arsenal would be without Alexis Sanchez. The Chilean’s shown himself to be a curious character at times this season but his performances on the pitch have never wavered. My own, unpopular, opinion is that Sanchez is the best footballer in the Premier League. He certainly looked it when dragging Arsenal through back-to-back wins against Stoke (last weekend) and Sunderland (last night). His finishing is electric and he’s now just one behind Lukaku in the race for the Golden Boot. The two will share a pitch this Sunday…

The Finisher – Shinji Okazaki

Last May Leicester were celebrating a miracle. This time around they can at least applaud a stunning goal by the often overlooked Okazaki. They made a game of it against Manchester City proving they really are far too good to go down. The second half was an unpleasant watch for Pep Guardiola after the Japanese international had had fired an acrobatic volley past Claudio Bravo. He rounds off our team this week.

 

Five-a-side TOTW: May 9th 2017

by sddsimmons, posted in Five-a-side TOTW

Picking an eleven is hard; picking just five is even harder.

Game week 36, and things are really heating up. Chelsea’s 3-0 win over Middlesbrough, coupled with Tottenham’s 1-0 defeat to London rivals West Ham, means that the Blues are now only one win away from claiming the title. The result also meant that Middlesbrough were relegated to British footballs second tier for a joint record fourth time. Manchester City briefly moved up to third following Saturday’s 5-0 thrashing of a dire Crystal Palace side, however Liverpool’s goalless draw with Southampton meant that the Reds regained third place, albeit having played one game more. Arsenal grabbed an important win over Manchester United that ensured that they remained in the hunt for fourth, and all but ended any faint hope their visitors might have had of a finishing in the Champions League places. Elsewhere, Bournemouth and Stoke drew 2-2, while Burnley and West Brom shared the same scoreline in dead rubber fixtures. Finally, it was at the bottom where things really did get tasty. Hull’s defeat and Swansea’s victory meant that the Tigers dropped into the relegation zone with only two games left to play.

Goalkeeper – Fraser Forster 

This guy is a class act, but it would be wrong to suggest that his performances have reached the constant heights from which we have come to expect. The Saints stopper has looked slightly uncomfortable at times although he has not been aided by the fact that Virgil Van Dijk has been out for four months. Nevertheless, the ex-Celtic man was in sensational form as Southampton claimed an unlikely point at Anfield. His save from James Milner’s well struck penalty was no doubt the highlight. A really top display by the big man!

The Stopper – Laurent Koscielny 

Arsène Wenger finally ended his Mourinho hoodoo, largely thanks to a really rather brilliant performance by his captain. Koscielny was everywhere and did brilliantly up against the pace of his compatriot, Anthony Martial. The 31 year old reads the game brilliantly.  Time and time again he nipped in ahead of his opponent to win the ball back for his team. Arsenal once again lined up with a back three, with Rob Holding and Nacho Monreal either side of the Frenchmen. There was simply no way through for Mourinho’s men who lost in the league for the first time in 25 games.

The Anchor – Wilfred Ndidi 

Had Leicester signed this guy in the summer they would have been a million miles away from a relegation battle. As it is, their comfortable 3-0 win against Watford elevated them to the dizzy heights of ninth! Ndidi has been nothing short of a revelation since joining the Foxes from Genk in January. Still only 20, he looks like he has all the qualities to be  a real success in the Premier League. His goal against Watford was his third of the season. Not bad for a defensive minded midfielder.

The Playmaker – David Silva

Pardon the pun, but this guy is worth his weight in gold! Staggeringly, this is Silva’s first appearance in our five-a-side TOTW. He was just superb against Crystal Palace as his City side recorded a resounding 5-0 win. Although Silva got the ball rolling with a smart left footed volley, it was really his all round play that impressed. He is so intelligent, he just seems to glide into space and always seems able to pick out a killer pass. Manchester City are fortunate to have him, and we are lucky enough to be able to watch his brilliant playmaking skills every weekend.

The Finisher – Fernando Llorente 

I said at the beginning of the season that he would have to score goals if Swansea were going to stand any chance of staying up. The ex-Bilbao man has not disappointed, bagging an impressive 13 goals from 31 Premier League games. Of those 13, few will have been more important than the one he got against Everton. After Hull City had lost 2-0 at home to already relegated Sunderland, Llorente and his fellow Swans knew that any sort of victory against Everton would lift them out of the drop zone. Llorente’s header, his seventh of the season, means that Swansea now have their destiny in their own hands.

Five-a-side TOTW: May 2nd 2017

by MikeFranchetti, posted in Five-a-side TOTW

Picking an eleven is hard; picking just five is even harder.

With ten teams keeping clean sheets this weekend, we had an opportunity to pick a more defensive five-a-side line-up. Chelsea hammered Everton, Tottenham were crowned undisputed kings of north London, and two Manchester slip ups helped Liverpool gain in the race for Champions League football.

Goalkeeper – Tom Heaton.

Big Tom is back between the sticks after helping Burnley produce their first away win of the season, simultaneously guaranteeing their safety and putting to bed any rumours that Joey Barton’s gambling offenses would rock the boat. Another clean sheet came after a busy match for the Englishman with the pick of his stops coming from Damien Delaney’s close range effort.

The Stopper – Gary Cahill

Whilst his goal against Everton was nothing more than a fortunate ricochet, six Premier League goals suggest Gary Cahill is one of the best finishers plying their trade at centre half. Another accomplished display against Everton made me wonder if I’d written off Cahill too soon. Though he’s been solid for most of the campaign, I expected Chelsea to consider replacing him in the summer. Strong end of season form suggests there is no need. He’d probably top score for this five-a-side team.

The Presence – Victor Wanyama

The slightly flashier and more refined Moussa Dembele often draws the plaudits for Tottenham but Victor Wanyama has developed into a wonderful midfielder this season. Tottenham looked better in every department against their eternal rivals Arsenal and Wanyama typified their desire. Surprisingly cool on the ball, the Kenyan came into his own in physical battles and looked exactly the sort of player Arsenal were missing. Although, in fairness, there’s about twenty seven players that Arsenal are missing.

The Acrobat – Emre Can

Emre Can is another centre midfielder who’s bridged across to a new level in recent months. The German looked a great acquisition at the start of the 2015 season but his development stalled amidst much frustration from Anfield.  His character was never in question but silly tackles and hesitance on the ball made for a difficult second season. He’s been much improved in recent months – in the absence of Jordon Henderson – and impressed again this weekend at Watford. Enough waffling… the German makes our team because of his sensational, surprising, top corner, match-winning bicycle kick.

The Runner – Pedro

Pedro’s played football for a lot of great sides and never struck me as anything more than a nuisance. Clearly skilful, the Spaniard wasn’t a roaring success when he first arrived at Stamford Bridge but has edged his way into the first team. In recent games he has looked a much better player than I ever expected. He finally seems settled under Antonio Conte and proved to be the game-changer when lashing in Chelsea’s opening goal against Everton midway through the second half. He’s a tidy finisher and deserves to the lead the line in this week’s team.

Five-a-side TOTW: April 29th 2017

by sddsimmons, posted in Five-a-side TOTW

Picking an eleven is hard; picking just five is even harder.

We are almost over the line. This weeks five-a-side TOTW includes just the five matches. Chelsea maintained their four point lead over Tottenham with a 4-2 win over Southampton at Stamford Bridge. Arsenal left it late and needed the help of a Robert Huth own goal in order to seal three important points against Leicester City. Christian Eriksen’s ‘golazo’ was the difference in Tottenham’s match against a resurgent Crystal Palace. Middlesbrough won for the first time in 2017 to all but condemn Sunderland to Championship football next season. And on Thursday the Manchester derby ended goalless.

Goalkeeper – Brad Guzan

Very much seen as the back up to Victor Valdés, the ex-Aston Villa keeper has had to accept a bit-part role. In fact, Wednesday’s 1-0 win over fellow strugglers Sunderland was only the 10th time that the American had appeared in a Middlesbrough shirt this season. Guzan looked assured between the sticks, and made an impressive four saves. The win was Boro’s first since the turn of the year. They had not claimed a Premier League win since the 3-0 hammering of Swansea City way back in mid-December. That miserable run has all but confirmed that they will be playing their football in the Championship next season.

The Stopper – Eric Bailly

Injuries have not helped the young Ivorian settle. After starting this season as first choice and appearing in 13 of United’s first 15 matches, it seemed as though United manager, José Mourinho, had found his rock at the back. Since injuring his knee in United’s 4-0 defeat against champions elect Chelsea in late October, the ex-Villareal man has only appeared in 19 out of a possible 42 matches. He has started in United’s last nine games, a run that has seen them keep five clean sheets and only concede four goals. In the 0-0 draw over Manchester rivals, City, Bailly was absolutely superb. His speed, strength and reading of the game really shone through. If he can remain fit and injury free, United will have a serious player on their hands.

The Midfielder – Cesc Fàbregas

He’s in, he’s out. Poor old Cesc Fàbregas. He just can’t seem to get a solid run of games together. It is is true that he is competing for places with the PFA Player of the Year, N’Golo Kanté, and the vastly improved Nemanja Matic. Nonetheless, the ex-Arsenal man must be frustrated with his situation. If he was looking to make a point then his display in Chelsea’s entertaining 4-2 win over Southampton would not have done him any harm. Chelsea manager, Antonio Conte, cannot have helped but been impressed with the Spaniards intelligent use of the ball. Time and time again he picked out teammates with perfectly threaded passes, even assisting Costa for his first. Rumours continue to circulate regarding AC Milan’s interest in taking the ex-Arsenal and Barcelona man over to Italy in the summer. Fàbregas turns 30 next week, and he will no doubt be keen to ensure that he is part of a team that picks him more regularly than every other game.

The Playmaker – Christian Eriksen

I must confess – I have never really been convinced by this guy. I have always felt that he has flattered to deceive. Yes, his set pieces are nearly always on the money, and yes, he scores the odd spectacular goal; however, I have always felt that there has been something lacking from his game. I was astonished to find out earlier this week that the Dane has covered more ground than anybody else in the Premier League this season. Furthermore, he is second only to Manchester City’s Kevin De Bruyne for Premier League assists, with an impressive 12 to his name. His brilliant match winning goal against Crystal Palace was his eighth of the season, and it kept Tottenham’s unlikely title charge on track. I am going to have to eat my words over the ex-Ajax man and admit that he has turned into a really fine player.

The Finisher – Diego Costa

His form blows as hot and cold as his temperament. He scored 15 goals in his first 19 Premier League games of the season. In the following 12 he has managed just four. Against Southampton the Brazilian born Spain international was back to his best. An assist and two goals ensured that Chelsea kept their distance over Tottenham. His second goal was absolutely brilliant. Exchanging one-twos with two of his Chelsea teammates; Eden hazard first, then Pedro second, before rifling in a low drive past Fraser Forster in the Southampton goal. A brilliant performance overall.

Five-a-side TOTW: April 25th 2017

by sddsimmons, posted in Five-a-side TOTW

Picking an eleven is hard; picking just five is even harder.

This is the most controversial five-a-side formation I’ve ever picked; however, I am confident that it would work well. There were only six Premier League games this weekend. West Ham and Everton shared the spoils in a disappointing nil-all draw at the London Stadium. Swansea and Hull both claimed vital home wins over Stoke and Watford respectively. Bournemouth’s 4-0 win over Watford was their second biggest win of the season and moved them to within touching distance of Premier League safety. On Sunday, Manchester United continued their top-four charge with an impressive two-nil win at Burnley, while Crystal Palace’s Christian Bentéké came back to haunt his old club, scoring twice in a 2-1 win over Liverpool at Anfield.

Goalkeeper – Eldin Jakupovic

Jakupovic has been outstanding ever since Marco Silva got the Hull City job in early January. Prior to then he had been playing second fiddle to Scotland international David Marshall in the Tigers net. Since displacing him, the ex-Switzerland international has not looked back. Hull’s 2-0 win over Watford was as important as it was impressive. After having Oumar Niasse harshly sent off before half-time, Jakupovic had to be at his best to keep Watford’s strikers at bay. There were sixteen attempts on his goal, and he dealt with 100% of the crosses he came for. It really was a commanding display.

The RWB – Joel Ward

I really like Joel Ward. I think he is as solid as they come. Unspectacular, reliable and someone who you would generally want in your side. This wasn’t necessarily his finest game in a Palace shirt, but his contribution was certainly important as The Eagles won at Anfield for a staggering third year in a row. The win took Ward and his Palace teammates up to 12th in the league and, crucially, seven points above Swansea in 18th.

The LWB – Charlie Daniels

Another player who deserves a game in our five-a-side TOTW. Daniels has been a near ever-present for Bournemouth this season, featuring in 30 of their 34 Premier League games. His goal against Middlesbrough was his fourth of the season, and it sealed a vital win for The Cherries. Daniels and his Bournemouth team mates have endured a miserable 2017 – winning only three of their 15 Premier League games since the turn of the year. Saturday’s comprehensive win over their fellow Premier League strugglers took them up to 38 points – just two away from the magic 40 point mark.

The Middleman – Tom Carroll

I still think Swansea City will go down, however this won’t be down to the lack of effort of their players. They were absolutely brilliant in their 2-0 win of Stoke City at The Liberty, with Tom Carroll being the pick of the bunch. The young midfielder scored the decisive goal, albeit via deflection, to seal three priceless points for the Swans. He has been a revelation since signing from Tottenham for £4.5 million in January. If, as expected, Swansea go down at the end of the season, Carroll certainly won’t be short of suitors.

The Finisher – Christian Bentéké

I am never going to be convinced by Bentéké. He is big, strong and deceptively quick, yet he lacks the finesse to be a really top class striker. Nevertheless, his performance against Liverpool on Sunday afternoon was absolutely first class. Jürgen Klopp’s men could simply not handle his aerial prowess. It was clear via his celebrations that Bentéké enjoyed his return to Anfield. He made a point of running towards another Liverpool outcast, Mamadou Sakho, after scoring the equalising goal; a move that did not sit well with the Liverpool fans.  He now has 14 Premier League goals this season. His best return since his first season in England with Aston Villa.

Wenger and Corbyn in unlikely alliance

by sddsimmons, posted in Fake News

*DISCLAIMER – This is not a real story.* 

After Theresa May’s shock decision to call a snap election in early June we look at how both Arsène Wenger and Jeremy Corbyn are experiencing a very similar crisis.

We at somoneonthepost.com can exclusively reveal that both Arsène Wenger and Jeremy Corbyn are confiding in each other. 

Both men are under increasing pressure to resign and it seems that the two embattled leaders have found solace in each other’s struggles.

While Wenger and Corbyn’s alliance may seem surprising at first glance, closer inspection reveals that both men do actually have a great deal in common.

Wenger’s position at Arsenal is looking to be increasingly untenable. With fans voicing their discontent and players seeming to disobey tactics, it looks like the man affectionately known as ‘Le Professeur’, may be about to end his 21 year reign.

Corbyn’s position looks as bleak, if not bleaker. After becoming Labour leader in September 2015, the MP for Islington North has presided over Labour’s worst run of results since the 1950’s.

Wenger and Corbyn, both 67, retain the support of important allies within their respective organisations. The Arsenal owner, Stan Kroenke, continues to support the veteran Frenchmen, while Corbyn has found support from the vast number of trade unions who refuse to put pressure on the hippy allotment owner to resign.

However, not everything is rosy within the Corbyn camp. There have been reports that resenting Labour MP’s have organised a plane to be flown over Westminster with a ‘Corbyn Out’ banner attached. We understand that Wenger has provided his friend with advice on how to how to deal with this clearly unpleasant experience.

“I have a lot of admiration for Jeremy” declared Wenger. “He seems like a clever man, and he is brilliantly stubborn. I really do see a lot of similarities between the two of us.

“Yes, it’s true that I have advised him on how to deal with dissenting fans, but I know that he has the strength to deal with it. After all, he dated Diane Abbott for a number of years, so after coming out of that largely unscathed, I am sure he will be able to deal with a few vigilante backbenchers.”

Corbyn was similarly generous in his praise for the Arsenal manager. “What Arsène has done is truly remarkable. He’s managed to hold on to his job through a succession of underwhelming campaigns. If I can do my job half as well as him I will still be Labour leader come the 2037 general election!”

Corbyn has apparently taken strength from Arsenal’s run of consecutive fourth placed finishes. Between 2006 and 2014 The Gunners finished fourth a remarkable six times.

“I remember Arsène once saying that fourth place was like a trophy. I am trying to relay this message to my shadow cabinet. If we finish in fourth place in the coming general election then we will have a chance of participating in Europe’s premier political debates next season. We will of course have to negotiate a tricky qualifying round in Brussels!”

Corbyn’s optimism is admirable yet sadly very much misplaced. With Britain all but certain to leave the EU in the coming years it would seem that he is unlikely to ever get the opportunity to lead his side in Europe.

Wenger on the other hand still has an outside chance of claiming a place in one of Europe’s top competitions next season.

“We haven’t given up on fourth place just yet. If we qualify then I can assure the fans that we will be doing our level best to scrape through the group stages before being eliminated 12-1 on aggregate in the round of 16!”

Five-a-side TOTW: April 18th 2017

by MikeFranchetti, posted in Five-a-side TOTW

Picking an eleven is hard; picking just five is even harder.

Just over a month to go in Premier League and things are getting lively at both ends of the table. It has, however, become quite a slog to select an interesting five-a-side team every week. We’re in the home straight now so we’ll soldier on. This week Manchester United swept past Chelsea to blow the title race open. We’re being serious this time; Chelsea have reasons to be worried.

Goalkeeper – Simon Mignolet

It finally seems that Mignolet’s transition from Liverpool’s burden to ‘actually quite a good keeper’ is complete. He deserves plaudits for stopping Matt Phillips’ big chance to earn West Brom a point but it was his general command in a very tricky fixture that gets him back into our five-a-side team. Simply put, Reds fans (i.e me) no longer wince in fear every time the ball comes into the box.

The Nullifier – Ander Herrera

The Premier League’s prime pick-pocketer put in another perfectly polished performance to force Eden Hazard into anonymity in Sunday’s big fixture. After Nemanja Matic prodded the ball into Herrera’s loose arm early in the first half, the Spaniard broke and pushed a precise pass round David Luiz and into the arching run of Marcus Rashford (who duly tucked it away). He capped his performance by drilling home United’s second, albeit courtesy of a nasty deflection.

The Ball Player – Kevin De Bruyne

It seems as though everybody has forgotten about Manchester City since they tumbled out of the Champions League and lost to Chelsea. Nevertheless, it seems as though their squad are benefitting from time outside the spotlight. Sergio Aguero is inching back to his best alongside the red hot Leroy Sane, but perhaps Kevin De Bruyne’s recovery in form will be the most pleasing development. At his best he is a joy to watch. He was the puppet-master of City’s lethal counter attack against Southampton before lifting a second assist onto the head of Aguero in the closing moments.

The Runner – Xherdan Shaqiri

I’m a huge fan of Xherdan Shaqiri and perhaps only his crippling inconsistencies are stopping him from landing a move to a top club. He blasted in a cracking goal against Hull City and was instrumental in his side ending their woeful run of defeats. He’s a little man full of big moments and is still Stoke City’s most valuable player. The Potters need to overhaul their squad but the Swiss superstar is one who should be retained.

The Finisher – Marcus Rashford

Rashford’s performance against Chelsea did wonders to silence his doubters. Is the Englishman good enough to influence big games? Should he really be considered on equal footing to Zlatan Ibrahimović? Will he carve himself enough goal scoring opportunities? On Sunday’s performance the answer to all three of these questions would be ‘yes’. He beat Asmir Begovic with coolness inside the opening ten minutes and caused Luiz, Gary Cahill and Kurt Zouma plenty of problems alongside Jesse Lingard.

Mike Franchetti

Referees are not actually people

by sddsimmons, posted in Fake News

*DISCLAIMER – This is not a real story.* 

Study reveals referees are a completely different species.

A recent study into the physiological and psychological state of elite referees has revealed that they are not actually homo sapiens.

The study, conducted by the University of Research, had been due to finish last season, but due to unexpected delays, and the emergence of a new specimen in the shape of Keith Shrowd, it has only been completed this week.

Among the findings revealed in the 352-page report is the astonishing revelation that referees are actually immune to normal human emotions such as guilt and compassion. While the report is actually too boring to read in its entirety, someoneonthepost.com can exclusively reveal that some referees do actually have eyes in the back of their head.

Conor Cassidy, chief professor at the University of Research explained – “A lot of the referees that took part in this study wished to remain anonymous. They were as keen as us to find out as to why they were so despised by a significant proportion of this largely civilised society we live in. We are unable to give answers to all the questions, but we were particularly interested in finding out why some referees seem not to get affected by 40,000 people shouting ‘You’re a w*nker’ at them.”

Jonathan Moss from Sunderland, one of the few referees who did not mind us revealing his identity, told us while actual human beings may go to a variety of religious books for guidance in life, he and his colleagues actually choose to consult The Laws of the Game, a book published by FIFA, a cult with suspicious financial dealings. This book acts as a moral compass for referees and enables them to get through menial daily tasks.

Moss explained to us that the book even offered advice on the colour of tape used to ensure socks do not fall down below your shins. “Before reading The Laws of the Game, I used to erroneously pair bright yellow socks with black tape. According to the book, not only is it a fashion faux pas, but it is also illegal!”

Mark C, a referee who did not want us to reveal his identity, told us what it was like to be marginalised by society. “I get some sort of macabre satisfaction from people shouting abuse at me. Others drink, others take drugs – some do both. But I like to stand in the middle of a field and have people call me names and tell me I need to go to Specsavers. The only time when I wish I wasn’t a referee is when I go to my local newsagents. Quite often I am greeted by the local youths who inform me that their step-dads are going to ‘Kill me!’ or something equally awful.”

Mark C’s story is a common one. The study shows that most referees seem to get some sort of sadistic enjoyment out of ruining thousands of people’s weekends. “I once gave a penalty because I was bored.” This frank admission came from Mike D. “Yeah, I was standing there watching this dour 0-0 draw and thought ‘F*ck it! I am going to give a penalty.’ I am not sure if it was in the box, but it definitely wasn’t a foul. Who really cares?”

With more details surrounding the study expected to be released in the coming weeks, Conor Cassidy anticipates that referees will continue to suffer. “Referees are much like parking attendants; nobody likes them, everyone wishes they didn’t exist, but unfortunately we need them.”